Sunday Robbyn mentioned three categories: racist, not racist, and anti-racist. I have been in a slow process of waking up. I never considered myself a racist. I would feel hurt and even cry over the injustices that I saw happening but that is just it, I never thought about it being my fight too. I felt a lot of fear generated from a few childhood experiences. I agreed with equal rights but naively thought the fight belonged to the ones who wanted and needed it. Today, I see so many fallacies in that way of thinking. George Floyd (along with so many others) taught me those fallacies. If one cannot breathe, we all cannot breathe. If you are a person of color and I get something wrong or offend, I welcome your voice.
One resource in growing past my silent, “not racist” self was Shelby Cook’s first book group. We read Just Mercy. I felt a myriad of emotions and for a while, I felt sad and astounded at how corrupt our judicial system is. Our system is not about justice, but one of control and power serving whiteness. I felt shame. I began to research Bryan Stevenson’s work. I stumbled on the beginnings of the Equal Justice Initiative and found first hand stories of lynching and families being torn apart as a father, brother, uncle fled after hearing they were being targeted for lynching. I felt shame at the legacy of lynching.
A few of other resources that I have engaged that are still shaping me include “13th” a documentary on Netflix. It weaves discussions showing how politics, law, and policing were engaged to maintain power and control using the justice system. These changes have led to massive incarceration of People of Color and it happened during my lifetime. I also recommend the Equal Justice Initiative website as a part of understanding this system. I see and feel shame at all of this. I also have listened to conversations that include strong Black voices such as Austin Channing Brown and Ibram X. Kendi. I am grateful for the Unlocking Us with Brene’ Brown podcast. Finally, another resource that helped me was an internet search “Mapping Police Violence”. I read that in 2015 over 100 unarmed Black people were killed that year by police and in 99% of the cases no one was charged. I became angry and felt shame.
Why do I feel shame? The shame I feel is not toxic shame that makes me want to hide. I welcome feeling this shame because it shows me my limits. Shame helps me to be right sized. In this society drenched in white supremacist ideals, it is good and healthy for me to feel shame. It keeps me bounded and humbled because I want to hear other voices. I want to grow in holding space for all voices. My shame also tells me that I will not always get it right, so I always want to learn. I have come to understand that in my life there weren’t three categories (i.e. racist, not racist, antiracist). I thought I was not a racist. As systems meanings evolve and clarity becomes clouded or hidden. I understand now how white supremacy was in the background undermining how I understood things within the system. I only saw the need for equality for all People of Color but not my need to engage as a part of equality happening. If one cannot breathe, we all cannot breathe.
So pardon my mess…I am an anti-racist under construction with a commitment to hear and embrace other voices as well as engage in anti-racism. As Brene’ Brown says, “I am not here to be right. I am here to get it right.”
Thank you for your generosity in holding space for my voice with you.
-Dianne Morgan